PSYCHOLOGY TODAY - Dr. Kenneth Ablow
Psychiatric research and clinical studies of brother sister incest.
Clinical psychiatric studies reveal a sexual 'affair' between an adult brother and sister means both of those individuals are severely psychologically disordered.
When sisters and brothers have sex with one another they are not expressing genuine romantic love; they are expressing long-forged, pathologically fractured boundaries that existed in their family of origin. They are manifesting roots deep in soil that was fouled at some point. They are enacting a drama that is really about having grown up in a household or in households that unleashed inappropriate, toxic sexual impulses—always, in my experience, because one or both of the siblings was exposed to child sexual abuse or was suffering with a severe mental illness.
Normal, mentally healthy brothers and sisters don’t have sex as kids, adolescents or when they grow up. Sick ones do.
Sisters and brothers who have sexual affairs are not well. They need help sorting out and overcoming psychological suffering and terrifying traumas that visited them long ago.
From a psychiatric and clinically studied standpoint. A sexual 'affair' between an adult brother and sister means both of those individuals are severely psychologically disordered.
Even if they are in denial about the underlying suffering fueling their symptoms (incest), they will have to confront it, eventually. They will not ever be able to exist in a normal, healthy relationship without severe malfunction until they receive deep psychological treatment and rehabilitation. Any attempt they make into intimate or interpersonal relationships will be subverted into abnormality and manifestations of mental disorders hiding below the surface of any appearance of normalcy. Individuals that have the tendency to succumb to incest are often normal in outward appearance but any interpersonal intimacy will bring the roots of their disturbed sexual and emotional family history to the surface in time.
BPD is one of the most common mental illnesses affecting 3% to 5% of the population.
The BPD used to be described as "borderline psychotic" because they are subject to psychotic fits of rage. Although the BPD can be very resistant to entering treatment, the cliche and cartoon-like structure of their personalities is leading to more effective cognitive therapies. But they will probably only reach therapy after "hitting bottom"
1.
BPD see themselves as always being the victim of other people. They constantly accuse the people closest to them of acting maliciously against them. These accusations change constantly, and the BPD doesn't really need to"believe" the accusations they make or even try to keep track of them like a good liar. Although their accusations are often incoherent and contradictory, they make up for that with the tremendous number of lies or exaggerations they tell and the theatrical emotionality of their stories.
Their accusations that others are sabotaging them are often merely projection of their own efforts to sabotage and betray spouses, and sometimes even their own children. Ultimately, the only person really sabotaging the BPD is probably themselves through emotionally charges antisocial actions They may reject any romantic relationship that is not either ultimately unavailable or abusive. If a formerly abusive partner gets "better" through self improvement the BDP will have no further use for them, but they will still describe their partner as abusive to gain sympathy and lure new partners. They will endeavor upon affairs with unavailable partners, often married, addicts, or some other form of abusive relationship. They will go to absurd lengths to provoke a fight so they can claim to be the victim.
2.
Besides being the eternal victim, many BPDs will strive to be seens as "good people", heroes, defenders of the truth and the weak. Facebook, Twitter and other social medias are favorites of the Borderline. Subtle insinuations that in some way either hint or declare they are victims and declare the "bad" people deserve to be punished and then singling them out for months or years of publics accusations and abuse. Because their own rage and abusiveness must be seen as provoked and therefore proves they are good.
The BPD used to be described as "borderline psychotic" because they are subject to psychotic fits of rage. Although the BPD can be very resistant to entering treatment, the cliche and cartoon-like structure of their personalities is leading to more effective cognitive therapies. But they will probably only reach therapy after "hitting bottom"
1.
BPD see themselves as always being the victim of other people. They constantly accuse the people closest to them of acting maliciously against them. These accusations change constantly, and the BPD doesn't really need to"believe" the accusations they make or even try to keep track of them like a good liar. Although their accusations are often incoherent and contradictory, they make up for that with the tremendous number of lies or exaggerations they tell and the theatrical emotionality of their stories.
Their accusations that others are sabotaging them are often merely projection of their own efforts to sabotage and betray spouses, and sometimes even their own children. Ultimately, the only person really sabotaging the BPD is probably themselves through emotionally charges antisocial actions They may reject any romantic relationship that is not either ultimately unavailable or abusive. If a formerly abusive partner gets "better" through self improvement the BDP will have no further use for them, but they will still describe their partner as abusive to gain sympathy and lure new partners. They will endeavor upon affairs with unavailable partners, often married, addicts, or some other form of abusive relationship. They will go to absurd lengths to provoke a fight so they can claim to be the victim.
2.
Besides being the eternal victim, many BPDs will strive to be seens as "good people", heroes, defenders of the truth and the weak. Facebook, Twitter and other social medias are favorites of the Borderline. Subtle insinuations that in some way either hint or declare they are victims and declare the "bad" people deserve to be punished and then singling them out for months or years of publics accusations and abuse. Because their own rage and abusiveness must be seen as provoked and therefore proves they are good.
It's probably easiest to start be describing how a BPD acts:
3.
Extreme pride and grandiosity - even thought the BPD suffers from a crippling lack of self esteem, they may give the appearance of being armor plated. Whatever criticism of their character reaches them is filtered through layer after layer of denial and distortion. They may be quite proud of their character flaws and claim to be ashamed of nothing they do no matter how dysfunctional.
Shame and secrecy - There is a general sense that anything the BPD does in private must never be spoken of. In selecting the person for group bullying (in the home or workplace) they will single out the truth teller of the group or the person closest to them who knows what they are really like and actually claim that HE is the bully for exposing them.
4.
Projective Identification - playing the victim by constantly trying to provoke significant others into being angry and reacting to their web of deceit. This not only fills the emotional needs of the BPD, it can nearly make it impossible for observers to determine which person is ill and abusive.
Respect me! - pretend my fake emotions are real. This is common in many mental health problems.
Conflict in all their relationships. Years of grudges and score keeping A Borderline NEVER forgets!
5.
Nothing is their fault, especially their own emotions. Other people are to blame for the BPD's feelings, as if everyone else has the power to broadcast directly into the BPD brain and make them
Blame significant others for making them feel bad, then blame them for not protecting them or making the BPD feel better.
Demands that people join in their mental games. Creates a bubble of chaos whereever they go.
Don't tell me what to do! Pointless defiance seems to often take the form of denying medical care to their children or parents. Not taking their kid to the doctor is "standing up for themselves" and being told that their kid needs to go to the doctor makes them some sort of martyr.
6.
Constant ad hominem attacks - significant others have horrible flaws. Often the BPD can't quite identify their problem, but the BPD is sure those flaws are in their SO's and they must be punished.
They will pick apart everything the person says, and turn that into an accusation. Living with the BPD is like living through the Inquisition. Their style can be described as "analyze and accuse, analyze and accuse."
They will always claim to know what other people thinking or doing so that they always have an excuse for their rage.
Punishing "thought crimes" - since they know what people are thinking, they are in a perfect position to actively punish people for thinking bad thoughts and to recruit other to help punish the thought criminal."You think...!" ....For me the BPD lecture that starts out "You think..." is the end of the line because that is the beginning of the onslaught of mindreading and ad hominems.
When I was dating, I would tell people up front that if I ever heard the words "You think..." that I would never speak to them again. Actually, I would give one "get out of jail free" card, but it was still a solid rule for relationships.
They really do seem to believe they just know what people are thinking, and they try to micromanage other people's thoughts. This delusional thinking is common in the downward spiral of a power struggle.
7.
"What do you really mean?" This also overlaps with bipolar. The subject changes because they are substituting words, apparently because they are swapping words and meaning in their head. I recently had to restart a conversation about five times to keep it on topic, and I had to point exactly which words were being substituted. For bipolar people there can be a look of intense concentration as they listen and analyze what you say as if they were trying to listen in a very noisy room. There is an entire inner dialogue going on behind their eyes.
They also assume that other people should know what the BPD wants, and they are enraged when other people fails to deliver what they need. This is extremely passive aggressive.
8.
They lack personal boundaries, demand to know what other people are thinking or feeling, and are always digging digging digging for evidence to use against others.
In addition to mind reading, they also have the ability to "hear" whatever they need to hear in order to justify their own actions. This results in constant "he said/she said" arguments where the BPD is recalling some entirely different conversation.
And you can't win - it's Damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don't, or heads-they-win-and-tails-you-lose, today you were too much of this and too little that but tomorrow it will be exactly reversed.
The BPD has a circle of neurotic friendships to provide the attention, validation, and sympathy that they need to survive.
9.
Accusations - effortless lying, crying, incoherent but convincing, probably believe their own lies more than most people believe anything.
Although they may suffer constant guilt, they constantly try to use guilt against others, and pile guilt on their spouses, when spouses are finally abandoned, their children are next. You will never hear them say they are sorry about anything.
Obsessed with the "Truth" and accusing other people of lying (more projection, right?). Did you say you were going to take your umbrella when you went out but changed your mind because the sun came out? Then you lied.
Being right in negative and pointless ways, pedantic arguments.
Although seemingly armor plated with narcissistic certainly, they will also plunge into periods of depression and self loathing at regular intervals.
Capable of being extremely charming and this may the stereotype of the Jekyll-and-Hyde lover who romantically woos during a whirlwind romance, then devalues them as soon as they are married.
10.
Urge to betray and sabotage their own relationships and destroy other peoples relationships.
The BPD will often be in a series of abusive relationships. But being a "shit magnet" for abusive partners lets them deny their own deeply masochistic and sadistic tendencies that are directed at every living person within range.
.
Constantly accuses others of thinking bad thoughts. Think you are safe by just sitting quietly in the corner - well the BPD will pronounce judgment on your thoughts.
Another theme of BPD discussions online is the BPD repressed need to humiliate others. Public sexual humiliation is overdone, BPD's have affairs and bring their lovers in contact with their spouses, many times having sexual contact with spouse near by.
11.
Use of projection is obvious - the BPD constantly accuses significant others of being angry, negative, controlling, and abusive. And their accusations against others is a projection of their own guilt. BPDs tell people details about their life very soon after meeting them, especially stories of how abused they were. Why tell people this right away? Other people are tricked into believing that they are saving the BPD. They are masters at rallying help and support to save them from their "victimizer".
It's important to remember that the stories they tell frequently aren't even true. Often the person the BPD claims is abusing them is actually supporting them financially and emotionally, and the BPD is enlisting henchmen in their efforts to betray their real supporter. The classic scenario is the husband that puts the BPD wife through law or medical school, supports her building her career and then she abandons him after she becomes successful, but a couple years later she has become a neurotic sexually promiscuous tramp hitting rock bottom.
Sex and romance are important to the BPD. Rushing into sex in a relationship is typical of the BPD. First, it's part of the overly-intense hot phase of the hot/cold BPD relationship. But it's also a way of filling the vacuum in the relationship, concealing the lack of actual emotional connection with the other person. Through sex and male schlock romanticism, the BPD imitates their idea of what a human being would be. Like "Dexter," a BPD is a "human imitator" to compensate for the odd gaps in their personality, which is like a pie that has a had a couple big slices removed. The behavior, even their chronic rage, their sexual habits, and the synthesized "love" they give, has a flat repetitive and robot like quality
This might be an aspect of "splitting" that their personality consists of limited actions and reactions that are repeated as simple scripts that usually run in the same order and can't be modified. Perhaps one of the reasons they end up skipping from relationship to relationship is that is too easy for other people to figure out their limited and predictable behaviors, even the sadistic ones.
12.
The BPD may claim to be the "super parent" that sets extremely high standards for their kids but they are also being verbally and/or physically abusive to their child. The BPD is an adult child trying to raise a real child with a the lack of a real bond between them. The BPD may feed the child when it's sleepy, try to play when it needs a clean diaper, put it to bed when it's hungry. It's so easy to make a child miserable when empathy is missing, and it's even better when it creates the chance to say "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" or wail "YOU THINK I'M A BAD PARENT." Of course it's even better if the child has a health problem, so this can be used to generate sympathy.
For people who know them, the BPD stories of heroism and victimhood can't conceal that BPD's are often extremely controlling, abusive, sadistic, manipulative, amoral, and dishonest. They are obsessed with controlling others, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Most of their relationships will end with a power struggle in which the BPD seems to be demanding unconditional surrender, withholding affection, sex, and companionship except they are probably already in the process of abandoning the relationship.
13.
When the BPDs romantic relationship inevitably turns into a power struggle, BPD symptoms become a terrifying uncontrolled spiral into madness with a high probability of rage and violence. Seemingly minor unresolved disagreements his will often tip the BPD over the edge from functioning at a fairly normal level to becoming an emotional mess with psychotic episodes that lead to violence, arrest, suicidal gestures, promiscuous sex, theft of partner's possessions, abuse of the legal system, and high conflict divorce.
Their most stable relationships are friendships with other people who also have problems with either low self esteem, or anger, except these neurotic "frenemies" encourage the BPDs worst traits and actively discourage the BPD from seeking treatment by validating their behavior and coming into agreement that the BPD is "right" and "doing the right thing". 14.
The DPB May Be Codependent, Addicted, And Have Multiple Mental Illnesses
The BPD is very good at deceiving bystanders, because they appear to have a narcissist's grandiosity and a sociopaths lack of conscience. In reality the BPD has very low self esteem, tremendous fear of abandonment (hence the narcissistic supply of social media admirers for validation), extreme sensitivity, and depression, and this drives their obsession with control. Many of you will have realized that this low self esteem and frantic need to control others is what laymen call "codependency." In the BPD, this codependency is often a shopping cart of multiple mental illnesses in the same person.
BPD is generally diagnosed more frequently in women, but many male BPDs may avoid diagnosis by going to prison, committing suicide, or being murdered. Borderline traits can be present in people that are functioning normally, but they are definitely a risk factor for some type of addiction, narcissism, or sexual promiscuity.. The untreated addict on his way to "hitting bottom" is essentially a BPD.
15.
Defenses
The BPD's use of projection as a defense is constant and out of control. The significant other is "crazy" and "trying to hurt them" and "criticizing them" and being "negative." These are of course their own traits, and they insist that it is whoever is closest to them.
3.
Extreme pride and grandiosity - even thought the BPD suffers from a crippling lack of self esteem, they may give the appearance of being armor plated. Whatever criticism of their character reaches them is filtered through layer after layer of denial and distortion. They may be quite proud of their character flaws and claim to be ashamed of nothing they do no matter how dysfunctional.
Shame and secrecy - There is a general sense that anything the BPD does in private must never be spoken of. In selecting the person for group bullying (in the home or workplace) they will single out the truth teller of the group or the person closest to them who knows what they are really like and actually claim that HE is the bully for exposing them.
4.
Projective Identification - playing the victim by constantly trying to provoke significant others into being angry and reacting to their web of deceit. This not only fills the emotional needs of the BPD, it can nearly make it impossible for observers to determine which person is ill and abusive.
Respect me! - pretend my fake emotions are real. This is common in many mental health problems.
Conflict in all their relationships. Years of grudges and score keeping A Borderline NEVER forgets!
5.
Nothing is their fault, especially their own emotions. Other people are to blame for the BPD's feelings, as if everyone else has the power to broadcast directly into the BPD brain and make them
Blame significant others for making them feel bad, then blame them for not protecting them or making the BPD feel better.
Demands that people join in their mental games. Creates a bubble of chaos whereever they go.
Don't tell me what to do! Pointless defiance seems to often take the form of denying medical care to their children or parents. Not taking their kid to the doctor is "standing up for themselves" and being told that their kid needs to go to the doctor makes them some sort of martyr.
6.
Constant ad hominem attacks - significant others have horrible flaws. Often the BPD can't quite identify their problem, but the BPD is sure those flaws are in their SO's and they must be punished.
They will pick apart everything the person says, and turn that into an accusation. Living with the BPD is like living through the Inquisition. Their style can be described as "analyze and accuse, analyze and accuse."
They will always claim to know what other people thinking or doing so that they always have an excuse for their rage.
Punishing "thought crimes" - since they know what people are thinking, they are in a perfect position to actively punish people for thinking bad thoughts and to recruit other to help punish the thought criminal."You think...!" ....For me the BPD lecture that starts out "You think..." is the end of the line because that is the beginning of the onslaught of mindreading and ad hominems.
When I was dating, I would tell people up front that if I ever heard the words "You think..." that I would never speak to them again. Actually, I would give one "get out of jail free" card, but it was still a solid rule for relationships.
They really do seem to believe they just know what people are thinking, and they try to micromanage other people's thoughts. This delusional thinking is common in the downward spiral of a power struggle.
7.
"What do you really mean?" This also overlaps with bipolar. The subject changes because they are substituting words, apparently because they are swapping words and meaning in their head. I recently had to restart a conversation about five times to keep it on topic, and I had to point exactly which words were being substituted. For bipolar people there can be a look of intense concentration as they listen and analyze what you say as if they were trying to listen in a very noisy room. There is an entire inner dialogue going on behind their eyes.
They also assume that other people should know what the BPD wants, and they are enraged when other people fails to deliver what they need. This is extremely passive aggressive.
8.
They lack personal boundaries, demand to know what other people are thinking or feeling, and are always digging digging digging for evidence to use against others.
In addition to mind reading, they also have the ability to "hear" whatever they need to hear in order to justify their own actions. This results in constant "he said/she said" arguments where the BPD is recalling some entirely different conversation.
And you can't win - it's Damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don't, or heads-they-win-and-tails-you-lose, today you were too much of this and too little that but tomorrow it will be exactly reversed.
The BPD has a circle of neurotic friendships to provide the attention, validation, and sympathy that they need to survive.
9.
Accusations - effortless lying, crying, incoherent but convincing, probably believe their own lies more than most people believe anything.
Although they may suffer constant guilt, they constantly try to use guilt against others, and pile guilt on their spouses, when spouses are finally abandoned, their children are next. You will never hear them say they are sorry about anything.
Obsessed with the "Truth" and accusing other people of lying (more projection, right?). Did you say you were going to take your umbrella when you went out but changed your mind because the sun came out? Then you lied.
Being right in negative and pointless ways, pedantic arguments.
Although seemingly armor plated with narcissistic certainly, they will also plunge into periods of depression and self loathing at regular intervals.
Capable of being extremely charming and this may the stereotype of the Jekyll-and-Hyde lover who romantically woos during a whirlwind romance, then devalues them as soon as they are married.
10.
Urge to betray and sabotage their own relationships and destroy other peoples relationships.
The BPD will often be in a series of abusive relationships. But being a "shit magnet" for abusive partners lets them deny their own deeply masochistic and sadistic tendencies that are directed at every living person within range.
.
Constantly accuses others of thinking bad thoughts. Think you are safe by just sitting quietly in the corner - well the BPD will pronounce judgment on your thoughts.
Another theme of BPD discussions online is the BPD repressed need to humiliate others. Public sexual humiliation is overdone, BPD's have affairs and bring their lovers in contact with their spouses, many times having sexual contact with spouse near by.
11.
Use of projection is obvious - the BPD constantly accuses significant others of being angry, negative, controlling, and abusive. And their accusations against others is a projection of their own guilt. BPDs tell people details about their life very soon after meeting them, especially stories of how abused they were. Why tell people this right away? Other people are tricked into believing that they are saving the BPD. They are masters at rallying help and support to save them from their "victimizer".
It's important to remember that the stories they tell frequently aren't even true. Often the person the BPD claims is abusing them is actually supporting them financially and emotionally, and the BPD is enlisting henchmen in their efforts to betray their real supporter. The classic scenario is the husband that puts the BPD wife through law or medical school, supports her building her career and then she abandons him after she becomes successful, but a couple years later she has become a neurotic sexually promiscuous tramp hitting rock bottom.
Sex and romance are important to the BPD. Rushing into sex in a relationship is typical of the BPD. First, it's part of the overly-intense hot phase of the hot/cold BPD relationship. But it's also a way of filling the vacuum in the relationship, concealing the lack of actual emotional connection with the other person. Through sex and male schlock romanticism, the BPD imitates their idea of what a human being would be. Like "Dexter," a BPD is a "human imitator" to compensate for the odd gaps in their personality, which is like a pie that has a had a couple big slices removed. The behavior, even their chronic rage, their sexual habits, and the synthesized "love" they give, has a flat repetitive and robot like quality
This might be an aspect of "splitting" that their personality consists of limited actions and reactions that are repeated as simple scripts that usually run in the same order and can't be modified. Perhaps one of the reasons they end up skipping from relationship to relationship is that is too easy for other people to figure out their limited and predictable behaviors, even the sadistic ones.
12.
The BPD may claim to be the "super parent" that sets extremely high standards for their kids but they are also being verbally and/or physically abusive to their child. The BPD is an adult child trying to raise a real child with a the lack of a real bond between them. The BPD may feed the child when it's sleepy, try to play when it needs a clean diaper, put it to bed when it's hungry. It's so easy to make a child miserable when empathy is missing, and it's even better when it creates the chance to say "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" or wail "YOU THINK I'M A BAD PARENT." Of course it's even better if the child has a health problem, so this can be used to generate sympathy.
For people who know them, the BPD stories of heroism and victimhood can't conceal that BPD's are often extremely controlling, abusive, sadistic, manipulative, amoral, and dishonest. They are obsessed with controlling others, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Most of their relationships will end with a power struggle in which the BPD seems to be demanding unconditional surrender, withholding affection, sex, and companionship except they are probably already in the process of abandoning the relationship.
13.
When the BPDs romantic relationship inevitably turns into a power struggle, BPD symptoms become a terrifying uncontrolled spiral into madness with a high probability of rage and violence. Seemingly minor unresolved disagreements his will often tip the BPD over the edge from functioning at a fairly normal level to becoming an emotional mess with psychotic episodes that lead to violence, arrest, suicidal gestures, promiscuous sex, theft of partner's possessions, abuse of the legal system, and high conflict divorce.
Their most stable relationships are friendships with other people who also have problems with either low self esteem, or anger, except these neurotic "frenemies" encourage the BPDs worst traits and actively discourage the BPD from seeking treatment by validating their behavior and coming into agreement that the BPD is "right" and "doing the right thing". 14.
The DPB May Be Codependent, Addicted, And Have Multiple Mental Illnesses
The BPD is very good at deceiving bystanders, because they appear to have a narcissist's grandiosity and a sociopaths lack of conscience. In reality the BPD has very low self esteem, tremendous fear of abandonment (hence the narcissistic supply of social media admirers for validation), extreme sensitivity, and depression, and this drives their obsession with control. Many of you will have realized that this low self esteem and frantic need to control others is what laymen call "codependency." In the BPD, this codependency is often a shopping cart of multiple mental illnesses in the same person.
BPD is generally diagnosed more frequently in women, but many male BPDs may avoid diagnosis by going to prison, committing suicide, or being murdered. Borderline traits can be present in people that are functioning normally, but they are definitely a risk factor for some type of addiction, narcissism, or sexual promiscuity.. The untreated addict on his way to "hitting bottom" is essentially a BPD.
15.
Defenses
The BPD's use of projection as a defense is constant and out of control. The significant other is "crazy" and "trying to hurt them" and "criticizing them" and being "negative." These are of course their own traits, and they insist that it is whoever is closest to them.